All we are is contradiction!

I am a person of contradiction. Actually we all are but here I can just speak for myself. 

I call myself an ambivert. Sometimes I can't be happier than being in the company of a group of people. I face no problems in having conversations and usually come out as a social person. But within a fraction of an hour I feel like running away from that group, find a place that I can call my den, just think about whatever I want to think. I struggle in starting a conversation and despite being taken as a social person, 8 out of 10 times I fail to build a long term friendship/relationship.
This confuses me everytime.
There are days when I just grab my purse and leave the house for nowhere. Usually I end up in a crossword, cuddled in a corner with some random, unheard book. Today in one of these "date with myself" visits I was having a pretty successful date. Read a quarter of "Growing up Bin Laden" and had a juice and munchies. Extremely satisfied with my lone trip I was on my way back when coming down the escalator I saw a man in Gloria Jeans, sitting alone, reading a book. 10 tables around him were occupied and none of the occupants were alone, except him. Three floors down, I couldn't help turning my eyes from him. A zillion of thoughts ran through my mind. The one that struck me was "Oh! Poor man. He is sitting alone. Doesn't he have anyone to give him company?" I was shocked to hear my thoughts! I wanted to reprimand Miss Pankhuri Shrivastava's thoughts. But chose to remind her that she was also alone, reading a book and sipping juice. She has been blessed with good friends but she was doing so by choice.
This surprises me everytime
People choose different things. Sometimes their actions mirror your actions but if you are not wearing that dress at that time you prefer to criticize it. And this makes me think we are so complicated. Everything in the world except humans can be defined by a definition but for humans the definition changes for every different person. A far more complex issue is that even for one person the definition changes every minute.
Sometimes I want life to be simple but at other times I love the complexity.
This amuses me eveytime.
In short, life is all about Confusion, Surprises and Amusement.
At peace for now
:)

ROSE AND PANKHURI

I saw a very rosy dream

Not about you not about me

But a dream in which a rose tells me

 “you are a rose, I believe, please justify your rosy name for me?”

Sitting in a room with roses all around

Red, pink, yellow and white

I think how to justify the name 

How to win this rosy little game?

“Let’s write a poem full of roses,

A poem where each sentence smells of roses.”

The red rose raised a brow,

And I started the rosy little work…

What a rosy fragrance is in a rose since its very birth
Undoubtedly it is one of the most beautiful flowers on Earth
Thinking more the realization dawned that a rose is a rose is a rose

What more could I have said about a rose?

A red rose symbolizes passion and love

A white rose soothes with the peace of dove

A yellow love whispers friendship and concern

But a black rose is unlikely to return!

Reading my rosy little poem

I find a rosy way to beat boredom!

Then I see in my dream the poem reaching the press

And Miss Pankhuri bowing down gracefully, with her cheeks full of rosiness!

The child in me!!!

Some think I am cute
Some find me sweet
Some say I am kind
But I confess, I don't know myself...

Of all I know and what I feel
Is that there is a child in me

A child who likes to play all day
A child who wants to make your day
A child who likes to fly kites
A child who loves to run after butterflies

Of all I know and what I feel
Is that there is a child in me

A child who loves to sing to you
A child who loves to dance infront of you
A child who wants to be a part of your happiness
A child who wants to rip away your sadness

Of all I know and what I feel
Is that there is a child in me

A child who dreams all day long
A child who prays to Almighty God
A child who wants to shine like a star
A child who wants to be like sunshine

Of all I know and what I feel
Is that there is a child in me

A child who loves to look at sky for hours
A child who loves to make mud castles
A child who loves to stare at sparrows
A child who loves to play with doves on the window sill

Of all I know and what I feel
Is that there is a child in me

A child who wants to learn all alphabets again
A for apple B for ball C for cat and D for doll
A child who loves the green of the grass
A child who loves the smell of the wet land

Of all I know and what I feel
Is that there is a child in me

A child who wonders and wonders and wonders a lot
A child who observes how the eyes blink when you speak
A child who probably knows nothing at all
Except that life is much more beautiful than what we think

Of all I know and what I feel
Is that there is REALLY a child in me!!!

Temple at a glance

What humbugs we are, who pretend to live for Beauty, and never see the Dawn!  ~Logan Pearsall Smith

I acknowledged this quote just recently, very subtly on a trip to Tirumala (Tirupati).
Sitting at a restaurant, waiting for dinner to be served, we googled Tirupati. The demigod informed us that Tirupati is a huge pilgrimage city, abode of Lord Venkateshwara and attracts millions of devotees every year. Its the country's richest temple (temples are also rich and poor!!!!) and the collection on 1st January alone was 3.80 crores (no comments)!!!!!
But you can access this information online. I'll tell you what you'll not read anywhere. 
Early morning when sun is still sleeping, we get up, take bath and leave for Tirumala hills. Its a collection of seven hills and on the top of the highest hill is the sacred shrine. The 30 minutes drive up the hill offers a panoramic view. The unending expanse of lush green valley, the pristine scenes and beautiful rest places for people to bask in the beauty. But no car stops here as all are in a hurry to reach before the queue for darshan becomes longer. We reached the top and its not just a temple on the hill top its a well planned town where everything is FREE!!!! Yes, free accommodation, free food, free toilets, even free buses. Tirumala resembles The Mall Road of Shimla a lot with an exception that never in the history of Shimla will so many people be present together on The Mall Road. Yes, the people came in buses, taxis, private cars and even on foot. They came like waves in an ocean, they came like angry bees from an upset beehive, they came like soldiers trying to seize a city from the enemy during war. 
I was amused and very soon saddened. The multitude had come for a trip- a religious one but a trip. They had travelled miles from home, had taken leave from work, packed bags and come for a trip. But hardly anyone on reaching Tirumala saw the sheer beauty of the place. No one saw the morning sun peeking between the green hills, no one saw the birds calling each other. No one seemed to smell the scent, no one seemed to inhale the fresh, cool air. No one saw how clean the roads were, no one saw how peaceful and serene Tirumala was. No one saw the nature's extravaganza touching the sky, no one. All were in a hurry to reach the queue and quench their thirst for the divine darshan. I agree that the town owes its existence to the temple and an ardent devotee is preoccupied with the idol darshan. But there is a small question that refuses to leave my mind unanswered-How can someone overlook the beautiful and breath taking creation of the Almighty for a man-made temple???  
Tirupati is a place where a man has to forget his comforts, his peace of mind and run like a mad man, suffer like a poor fellow. I saw police beating people to get into the line, I saw police insulting old men who couldn't walk fast, I saw pickpockets taking advantage of the queue and I saw corrupt people taking advantage of the few facilities given to the old and handicapped.
I was spared by all this, thanks to my father but I wonder those who come to Tirupati with their hearts full of religious fanaticism, ready to stand in a queue for hours, to be abused by other men, do they lock their self respect at their places and then arrive here???
There's one more thing which disturbed me a lot. God is perhaps the only object which is at the disposal of every person despite his rank, reputation, power or money. The shrine is acclaimed as the holiest of the celebrated 108 Tirupatis. The place where Lord himself came down to settle in Kali Yuga differentiates people on the basis of money!!! Yes, if you can spend more then you can have a better darshan. A person stands in a queue for 4-5 hours without any refreshment, not even water and finally when he enters the glittering room made of gold, he is pushed by petty policemen and forget a look, he is not even allowed a glance . A devotee who has spend money, stood in line for hours does not deserve to be treated like this. If he cannot be respected then he should also not be disrespected by policemen who themselves are morally degraded.  
Behind this expensive room of gold is another room where fat pandits sit and count lakhs and lakhs of rupees and a devotee dishevelled by ill-treatment watches them playing with the moolah!!!!
I have no hard feelings against the pandits or the devotees or the temple administration. I do not mean to disrespect the feelings of people. I am not an atheist and I do not appreciate blasphemy against God or traditions. But I am extremely anguished to see that the system is not correct. 
You pay to watch a movie, a dolphin show, a circus but you are not meant to pay to see your God. If you are a respectable person in your society then you do not deserve to be treated like a beggar when you wish to see your God. Temples are meant to give you peace of mind, relieve you of all worries, make you a better person by retrospection and introspection. They are not there to take away some peace that you have. I have always felt that the vibes are so positive in a temple that they have the power to transform thoughts, feelings and emotions. I just wish that this potential is not stolen by the disguised pickpockets present at the administrative corridors of temple. 

FIGHT WITH LUCK

I have found a very strong quality inside me.

I can laugh off at my troubles and still worry about them.

I got the biggest shock of my life recently. Something which I'd never expected. Something with a potential to shatter me.

It still hurts so bad.

But i've come to terms with it. It was a chapter in my life. This is again a big incident that has occurred with me. This has made my life spicy for others. If I write a novel with my life as a reference, it will compel the reader to turn the pages of the book and not put it down until its over.

But even after all this it hurts. God's games are not at all pleasant this time. My mom says "where were you when luck was being distributed?" I said "I don't know". But seriously I wonder where was I??????

I don't mind a lot if luck is not with me but I humbly kneel down and request with my hands clasped "Dear luck, if you don't like me then don't be with me but please don't conspire against me."

But the darling luck refuses to listen so now I warn you "LUCK, BEWARE. IF YOU DO NOT MEND YOUR WAYS, PEOPLE WILL GRADUALLY STOP BELIEVING IN YOU AND DEPEND MORE ON YOUR RIVAL --- HARD WORK AND NOTE MY WORDS 'SOMEDAY YOU'LL HAVE NO INFLUENCE ON HARD WORK."

These are your hands inside the box, darling luck!!!!

HIS GAMES

Finally, I am back to the blogging world and this time I make a tiny promise to myself that I will try to be active here.

So, a lot a lot a lot of things happened since 18th March (my last post). I turned 2. The day before my birthday happens to be the birthday of our dear Mother India. That day coming back from my aunt's place, I saw a towering building, decorated beautifully on the eve of independence with expensive lights and just in front of that building was a small boy, holding 5-6 Indian flags to sell, siting with tears in his eyes.
I do not know why he was crying but I know the reason is genuine and really painful. In a life where he probably doesn't go to bed with a full stomach, a life where he has never seen a hope of better living conditions, a life where he has been abused by others, a life where he is probably beaten everyday by a frustrated mother or a drunken father (if he is a little privileged to not be an orphan),  for him tears are not such a bad thing. But yeah it moved me and the curious Pankhuri inside me yearned to know the reason specifically.

Well, I couldn't but I thought of spreading some happiness among these poor children. My cousin and I contributed some money, bought biscuits and toffees and went to various slums in the city and gave them a small independence day gift.

It was good and gratifying but the question is - Is a one day kindness act by two girls sufficient????
The problem is colossal!!!
No matter what I am doing now and what have I achieved, I have a quality that I dream big. Yes people, my dreams are very big.
I really want to do something for these people so that their life takes a 180 degree turn. This thing is not just to write but what I feel actually from the insides.
I do not know what, how, when, where of my dreams but if God helps I want to do this.

Anyways, so I celebrated my birthday then exams came so suddenly and in such large number that it felt as if Tsunami has struck.

The exams were not as expected and not at all satisfactory. I think if I concentrate only on my short term problems then this is the NUMBER 1!!!!

I know it sounds lame and people would not want to believe me but the luck suddenly went against me.
Here, suddenly, I remember the day when we won the laptops. How in that quiz I suddenly knew the last, winning answer which was from the area about which we had 'equal to nothing' information -- sports and how on the day of my FMS exam I didn't attempt my strongest section -- English!!!!
This makes me wonder how small and powerless are we??? We are puppets in his hands and he is such a wonderful gamer.

Every plan failed, every decision had to be changed and straight from the top of the mountain I fell in a deep pit.

The future is so bleak that even a  torch's light cannot illuminate it sufficiently. But still I am positive, I don't know about what, but I am. I think I know it's just his another game. I kind of get this feeling that this has become his favourite game.

But, O my dear God, I want to tell you something " YOU WANT TO PLAY, PLAY. I DON'T CARE NOW. THERE WILL BE A DAY WHEN YOU'LL GET BORED OF THIS SEGMENT OF PEOPLE AND MOVE ON TO ANOTHER PEOPLE"

 Hey!!! Just now, while writing this, I understood the concept behind astrological science. Bad phase like sathe sati shani etc is when God is playing games with you and your life. Good phase is when God is tired of you and finds new people and lives to play with. YES!!! IT FITS PERFECTLY.